PIXEL MAVERICK

I would like to preface the following post by admitting freely that I hate hanging pictures with a passion.  I enjoy having nice pictures on our walls, but the act of hanging them is brutal from a husband POV …

1. Husband stands awkwardly holding picture in what seems to be centered
2. Wife says “A little to the (right/left) about 10 times
3. Husband says “It’s good!” in frustration and starts hammering in nail/hanger/device
4. Wife/ Husband view newly hung picture together
5. Husband curses as he sees it is still not centered
6. Repeat steps 1 – 5 about two times …PER PICTURE

Perhaps you are an expert picture hanger, or just naturally gifted in the art of eyeballing the center point.  Well, good for you and you can laugh the loudest at my recent blunder of paying someone to do what you shoulda just done yourself.

During one of my recent VA-Seattle extended commutes, my wife calls and says she has news that will absolutely make my day.  I begin to daydream about how my son has struck oil in the backyard during a vigorous GI Joe battle and now we are filthy rich.  “No, not the oil money thing” she says with a loud sigh, “the great news is that you do not have to hang a single picture in the new house!”  I was so happy about hearing this sentence that I must have switched to my Charlie Brown wife-listening mode (Wah Wah Wahhh Wah Wah) and missed a few important details about this amazing no-hanging news.

Apparently my wife had been chatting with her girlfriends and one of them told her about this wonderful company that specializes in hanging pictures.  In my head, the conversation goes something like this:

• Wife – “My husband is so lazy he won’t hang any pictures and it is driving me crazy …blah blah …something about Twilight ..blah”
• Girlfriends – “(Sigh) We know, our husbands are lazy like that too.  Men are worthless (pays for Venti Mocha and puts debit card back in Gucci purse) for most things.  You should call the Picture Hangin Pirates.  They come to your house and hang all your pictures.  Blah …I would definitely become a vampire too for that hottie …blah”
• Wife – “The Picture Pirate guys sound great, how much do they cost?”
• Girlfriends – “You should totally go see your husband in Seattle just to see if you can find any Twilight hunk vampires and get bitten by one.  That would be super hot ….oh, I think they are like $75/hr or something …I would let Edward bite me all over (hair flip)”
• Wife – “Oh me too, and I am booking my flight to Seattle tonight after I re-read chapter 17 and blow kisses to my Twilight Teen Beat poster.  Thanks for the picture hanging tip …totally going to hire them.”
• All – blah blah blabbedy blah (frequent hair flips)

So these awesome professional picture hangers show up, and true to form they are very good at their job.  Wife noticed that two of them came, but hey that will just make things go faster right ..?  After about 10 minutes my wife is lost in exctasy …she is pointing and directing and mind-changing from afar while they are following these picture-orders with a smile.  My wife was having such a blast that she totally did not realize it that 4 hours had already passed.  At about 4.5 hours she must have tripped on a clock, because she noticed the time and did a little quick math.

FREAKOUT

Kudos to my wife for being tough, and hurrying her perfect men out the door even though only half the pictures were hung.  She paid them the $820.00 and felt sick about it the rest of the day.  She called me later and told me the story about the most expensive picture hangers ever.  I could not really be mad since she did tell me about the cost + she did kick them out mid-project (…I probably would have just said Eff It and let them finish at that point).

Just goes to show you that Girlfriend WOM is extremely powerful + when you are too lazy to do a simple household chore you get what you deserve.  I should have hung those stupid pictures …and my wife may be leaving me for a 20-something vampire dude if he ever calls.